Friend & Family Breakups

I wanted to put a pause on my regular travel posts and write about something that’s been lingering in the forefront of my mind this year.

I’ve been struggling with long-term extended family estrangement and somewhat short-term immediate family drama, as well as some pretty upsetting friendship breakups. I won’t go into specifics in order to protect those around me, but I’ve been in a dark place for about a year or so now. As one can imagine, this has taken a toll on my mental health.

I recently heard a quote on one of my favorite podcasts that goes a little something like this:

“Depression is the greatest acting teacher. I can smile through anything even though I just want the ground to open up and swallow me whole.” If that doesn’t hit you like a semi truck, I’m not sure what will…

I’m not a therapist or licensed professional by any means, but I wanted to share some strategies I’ve been applying to help with the pain of broken friendships and family relationships. It’s important to note that all of these points coincide with each other and this is the “flow” as I see it. Remember: everyone’s journey is highly personal and individual.

1. Don’t change who you are for those around you.

I have a lot of people in my life – family members in particular – who will never be proud of me, no matter what I do. In the past and present, I have been laughed at or mocked for my dreams and ambitions. Family members have and will continue to make me feel small to build themselves up. About five years ago, I chose to let them go as opposed to clinging onto the gaslighting and the guilt (e.g.: “well, I guess it’s your choice if you don’t want to be here” comments when THEY were the ones hurting ME).

2. Create your own closure.

Oftentimes we find that friendship and family breakups seem abrupt, without true closure. I was best friends with someone for nearly 12 years and I’ve been thinking about our good times lately. But with that, I’ve also been thinking of the bad. The truth is that she was like an older sister to me, whereas I was her “plan b”/“second choice” friend for a very long time. Write a goodbye letter. Get rid of photos. Do something that allows you to create your own closure. Remember, don’t change yourself to fit others’ narratives of you.

3. Try not to hate the person on the other end.

It would be so easy for me to say, “She was a horrible person because of X, Y and Z.” Although there are times I’ve been hurt by family and friends (and honestly still am hurting from recent experiences), I try my damnedest to acknowledge that we all have flaws and shortcomings. I realize this is much easier said than done, but I’m hoping this will make me a better, stronger person in the end.

4. Allow yourself to feel all the feelings.

Conversely, it’s okay to be angry, hurt, frustrated or upset. As long as you aren’t taking it out on the other person, allow yourself to reflect on your feelings in the present moment. Thinking of a past memory you miss? Cry. Thinking of how good things were in the past? Smile. The more you hold back and shove your feelings into a corner of your mind, the longer it’ll take you to move on.

5. Focus on yourself and the great relationships in your life.

I may never have a best friend who reminds me of an older sister ever again, but I do have amazing friends in my life. I feel loved every day, even if it isn’t by a family member. I may never be close with my family, but I have several friends-turned-family relationships that fill my heart. Be around like-minded, supportive people who will always be there for you (and always be there for them, too!).

Every day of 2020 has felt like an overwhelming struggle, but I am much more resilient than I was before. “When life hands you lemons, they say to make lemonade, but you can’t make lemonade without any sugar.”

I hope these tips help you as much as they’ve helped me 🙂

September Sunsets

You can fight me on this all you want, but golf courses are the best places to see the sunset!

~

On an unrelated note, I’ve been filling out a TON of job applications and have been drafting all kinds of cover letters. One of the latest asked me to tell a story about the products I use for my favorite recreational activity. Here’s my story; I hope you enjoy!

Dear Fellow Product Junkie,

I remember when my dad took me to get fitted for new golf clubs nearly ten years ago. “Why would it matter what kind of clubs I used?” I thought to myself. “If I’m good, I’ll still be good. And if I’m awful, I’ll still be awful!” 

Boy, was I wrong. What a difference your equipment can make!

If you haven’t already guessed: I LOVE GOLF. I’ve been playing ever since I could carry my own bag. Even though my golf hat, shoes and pants were baggy as a youngster, the course has always been my comfort zone. 

It wasn’t until high school when I really took the game seriously. Before age 14, I would go with my dad and brother almost every weekend, no matter what the Michigan weather gods decided that day. As my focus improved, my scores did as well, and it was time to take my game to the next level. 

Golf technology has evolved since its conception in 1764; now we use multi-part golf balls as opposed to leather sacks of feathers and wool! When I was fitted for clubs in 2011, I discovered that my old clubs weren’t doing me any favors (they didn’t help my hooks and slices, gave me no control off the tee…). My dad and I visited a professional who could analyze my swing and tell me which clubs would benefit me the most. 

After over an hour of swinging into a screen and viewing my swing patterns, two sets of clubs stood out: the latest Callaway’s and the new Ping G15’s. And since I needed irons with lots of forgiveness (or maybe “fore”-giveness!), I chose the Ping’s without hesitation. 

Maybe it’s the memories associated with the clubs that make them impossible to part with, or maybe they are simply that phenomenal! Whatever the case may be, almost ten years and multiple outings later, I won’t play a round without them. 

My best,

Cate Spader