When the happier version of yourself is nowhere to be found ~
In the midst of a worsening global pandemic, a gut-wrenching American presidential election and the beginning of some painful family estrangement, I wanted to post about the people I’m especially grateful for these days.
I wanted to put a pause on my regular travel posts and write about something that’s been lingering in the forefront of my mind this year.
I’ve been struggling with long-term extended family estrangement and somewhat short-term immediate family drama, as well as some pretty upsetting friendship breakups. I won’t go into specifics in order to protect those around me, but I’ve been in a dark place for about a year or so now. As one can imagine, this has taken a toll on my mental health.
I recently heard a quote on one of my favorite podcasts that goes a little something like this:
“Depression is the greatest acting teacher. I can smile through anything even though I just want the ground to open up and swallow me whole.” If that doesn’t hit you like a semi truck, I’m not sure what will…
I’m not a therapist or licensed professional by any means, but I wanted to share some strategies I’ve been applying to help with the pain of broken friendships and family relationships. It’s important to note that all of these points coincide with each other and this is the “flow” as I see it. Remember: everyone’s journey is highly personal and individual.
1. Don’t change who you are for those around you.
I have a lot of people in my life – family members in particular – who will never be proud of me, no matter what I do. In the past and present, I have been laughed at or mocked for my dreams and ambitions. Family members have and will continue to make me feel small to build themselves up. About five years ago, I chose to let them go as opposed to clinging onto the gaslighting and the guilt (e.g.: “well, I guess it’s your choice if you don’t want to be here” comments when THEY were the ones hurting ME).
2. Create your own closure.
Oftentimes we find that friendship and family breakups seem abrupt, without true closure. I was best friends with someone for nearly 12 years and I’ve been thinking about our good times lately. But with that, I’ve also been thinking of the bad. The truth is that she was like an older sister to me, whereas I was her “plan b”/“second choice” friend for a very long time. Write a goodbye letter. Get rid of photos. Do something that allows you to create your own closure. Remember, don’t change yourself to fit others’ narratives of you.
3. Try not to hate the person on the other end.
It would be so easy for me to say, “She was a horrible person because of X, Y and Z.” Although there are times I’ve been hurt by family and friends (and honestly still am hurting from recent experiences), I try my damnedest to acknowledge that we all have flaws and shortcomings. I realize this is much easier said than done, but I’m hoping this will make me a better, stronger person in the end.
4. Allow yourself to feel all the feelings.
Conversely, it’s okay to be angry, hurt, frustrated or upset. As long as you aren’t taking it out on the other person, allow yourself to reflect on your feelings in the present moment. Thinking of a past memory you miss? Cry. Thinking of how good things were in the past? Smile. The more you hold back and shove your feelings into a corner of your mind, the longer it’ll take you to move on.
5. Focus on yourself and the great relationships in your life.
I may never have a best friend who reminds me of an older sister ever again, but I do have amazing friends in my life. I feel loved every day, even if it isn’t by a family member. I may never be close with my family, but I have several friends-turned-family relationships that fill my heart. Be around like-minded, supportive people who will always be there for you (and always be there for them, too!).
Every day of 2020 has felt like an overwhelming struggle, but I am much more resilient than I was before. “When life hands you lemons, they say to make lemonade, but you can’t make lemonade without any sugar.”
I hope these tips help you as much as they’ve helped me 🙂
There is no right or wrong way to feel during this pandemic. I repeat: THERE IS NO RIGHT OR WRONG WAY TO FEEL DURING THIS PANDEMIC.
I have really strong days where I feel confident, in control and overloaded with optimism. The next day, I endure the utmost anxiety and deep sadness. Needless to say, some days are more productive and positive than others…
The only consistent thing during this entire quarantine has been my truest friends supporting me every step of the way. I’ve been in touch with a lot of my best friends during this time, and their reciprocation fills me with warmth and hope.
I hope you’re all staying safe, healthy and happy through this pandemic!
I’m going to come right out and say it: I have depression. I’ve known that something was “off” since I was about 10 years old, but things really took a turn for the worst when I was 17. And at 26, things are REALLY BAD and have been since late 2018.
During my routine spring cleaning in November, I decided to go through some old photos. While recalling memories of how my family once was, I felt numb. I kind of shrugged it off like, “well that was nice, but it’s in the past now.” What really hit me were the photos of how happy I was as a child. I was outgoing, genuinely excited about everything, and didn’t have a care in the world if others thought I was crazy. I was unapologetic 100% of the time.
When did she go on vacation and never return home? How can I get her to come back and visit me, or even stay forever? These are the necessitous things I’d like to know…