One of my closest friends and I spent the weekend together in Boston—which was much needed and long overdue for both of us. Carolina lives in North Carolina (ironic, haha!) and I hadn’t seen her since August. Her first time in Boston and my second return treated both of us well!
We met in the early afternoon on Friday and wandered around East Boston. After exchanging hugs, laughs, hilarious tee shirts and stories over a classic Italian lunch, we made our way to our charming Airbnb in Somerville—and the neighborhood was full of cute bunnies. Carolina and I had no idea how much fun we were about to have that evening!
Carolina and I are both huge fans of Troy Bond, an up-and-coming New York-based comedian who does modern day Seinfeld bits and really pushes the envelope with heckling and crowd work. Not only did we get to enjoy such comedy gold, but we were able to meet him after the show!
After the show we strolled around the area and ate dinner at Gather, a cute restaurant with the best oysters. The people-watching was prime as several people were either on dates or watching the game—a very weird juxtaposition haha. We headed back to our Airbnb and before bed, someone dear to me called me and it meant the world to me. What a perfect way to end a wonderful day with one of my closest friends!
On Saturday morning, Carolina and I grabbed breakfast with one of her closest friends who lives in the city, Steph. It was a treat to finally meet her, share some more laughs and eat excellent food at Rosebud Cafe. After we couldn’t laugh or eat anymore, Carolina and I parted ways with Steph (boo!) and spent the afternoon strolling around Harvard Square and Back Bay. We enjoyed more people-watching, window shopping and sh*t talking per usual haha! It was such a breath of fresh air to be with such an amazing friend!
Saturday evening was also super fun as we met up with my friend Katie, who’s one of my best friend’s sister in law. I haven’t seen her since Carolyn’s baby shower in October, so it was great to see her again, too! Unfortunately, Steph wasn’t able to join us, but Carolina, Katie and I enjoyed a seafood dinner at Beehive and drinks at a nearby dive bar with the coolest decorations and lights. We even met a random Australian dude as we took photos outside!
May is feeling less lonely than April did, but I’m still recovering from some fears of loneliness and wondering what’s next. Cheers to whatever adventures may come next, and I’m incredibly grateful for Carolina, Katie and meeting Steph. Carolina even sent me some wonderful quotes prior to us parting ways on Sunday morning. 💚
Photos taken Friday, May 5 and Saturday, May 6, 2023.
The bookends of last month were the highlights: super fun weekends in Nashville and Dallas! But before I share what I’m grateful for, I wanted to give you all a sneak peak into the journey April had been.
Fun with Alex, Alvin and Vicky on Broadway Street! More good reads! (Although no one should stay out of New Orleans haha)
This month has felt incredibly lonely day-to-day. I’m beginning to feel impatient about when and where to move, how to navigate through changes at home and work, and so on. The friends I’d thought I had when I moved back to Michigan haven’t been as active in my life – or at least not in the capacity I thought they would have been – so it’s saddening at times. Even writing about it here has me feeling emotional, and I have had to push through a lot of really challenging days.
With that said, I’ve received support and love from newer friends and others I deeply care about recently—in ways I hadn’t expected. I’m really hoping that things continue to progress with these newer relationships in my life because I don’t think I would be able to get through these tough times without them (and they’re making the good times even better!).
As down as I’ve felt collectively this month, I’m also happy I’ve been getting back into the piano—slowly but surely. I’d missed playing music for myself and look forward to learning more songs. And of course I’m anxious amidst uncertainty, but I’m beyond happy about the way my present – and hopefully near future – is unfolding.
I had a wonderful weekend with my parents, and old friend and another work friend who is becoming closer by the day. On Friday evening, I grabbed dinner and drinks with my coworker-turned-friend Emily, starting in my favorite Ferndale, Michigan and ending the night in Hamtramck (our Polish city within the city of Detroit!). We talked about our families, guys and shared plenty of laughs along the way. It’s been great growing a beautiful friendship with Emily!
Saturday was a lazy day at home with my parents, but wasn’t so lazy for Linley! We dressed him up in his bunny costume for a little Easter egg hunt in the backyard. He hated the costume, but loved the treats!
Sunday itself may not have “felt” like Easter, which was perfectly okay by me; my friend Crystal (who I hadn’t seen since December) and I needed a beach day on Lake Michigan, and of course Linley is always our plus one. The three of us enjoyed some hiking, lounging on the warm sand, walking along the water and some good snacks. I needed my much needed Crystal time!
Media taken Friday, April 7 through Sunday, April 9, 2023.
March felt like a month of setbacks, irritability and challenges. But when I reflect on the good moments, I still made progress and have so much to be thankful for. Sure, I felt – and still feel – easily annoyed at times, but I’m continuing to work through hardship, set and adhere to my boundaries, and am grateful for the adventures that March brought me. I’ve been keeping up with reading, am learning to play the harmonica, am getting new ink and am creating more space for positive friendships and opportunities. ❤️
MSU vs. OSU basketball game with dad!Meeting baby Lily in D.C.!Treating my parents to a lovely dinner and show at Cliff Bell’s jazz club in Detroit!Learning Black Betty on the harmonicaGetting matching tattoos with my Little Sister of nearly nine years!Happy hour with the work ladies!Brought Lin into the office again!More outdoor time with my best bud“Pupdates” from mom while I’m away
I’m currently at an Airbnb in Washington D.C. writing the final post of KP’s and my New Orleans “trilogy.” It’s been nearly two weeks since we flew back to the Midwest from our vacation, and we’re still laughing and sharing fun memories from our weekend away.
That Sunday, we headed to a cute breakfast spot called Two Chicks Cafe (would highly recommend) and enjoyed some beignets and Bloody Mary’s at the one and only Cafe Beignet. Feeling the warm sunshine on our shoulders and being swept away by jazz music in the late morning was the best way to start our Sunday.
KP’s first beignet experience!
After our drinks and breakfast, we meandered through the French Quarter, soaking in our last full day in the city. We received tarot readings at the only authentic shop in New Orleans (dedicated to the one and only Marie Laveau) where I received the most accurate yet uplifting reading to date. KP was in heaven as she saw typewriters in the street, similar to her business in Chicago (Poems While You Wait; check ‘em out!) and wandered into bookstores, antique shops and lingerie gems. We couldn’t stop laughing in the bookstore and each walked out with a random variety of solid reads! Our favorite moment in the lingerie shop (Trashy Diva!) was seeing this older couple buying new things. All I have to say is… goals!
We even passed our fav spot from Friday night!
While heading back to the Airbnb to drop off our newly purchased goods from some wholesome retail therapy, we even received a free book about mediation and mindfulness. KP was trying not to laugh because I’d gone on a “rampage” about how people who tell me to “mediate more often” think that’s helpful to my divorce PISS ME OFF haha! Therefore, we left the book in our lobby and continued out for our last evening in NOLA (spoiler alert: the book was still in the lobby on Monday morning when we checked out!).
After some macrons and hazelnut lattes, we visited the oldest bar in the United States and slammed some tequila drinks as we booked our ghost tour. We booked it to our tour with a good buzz going, and thoroughly enjoyed the tour. When I was in New Orleans last year with my friend Jes, we did two tours and one of them didn’t go well (drunk idiots who were interrupting the entire time). This group was awesome, we had the coolest guide and even stopped for tequila shots halfway through (yes, I understand how hypocritical I sound as I just complained about the drunk people from last year haha!).
Is this an orb?!
The tour wrapped up, and KP and I couldn’t leave NOLA without another absinthe drink. We stopped at Pirates Bar for some strong, traditional absinthe drinks—laughing and having the best time!
Buzzed, we strolled through Bourbon Street one last time prior to heading “home,” reminiscing about our weekend that we both so desperately needed. We even saw a street fight! We booked it into a Walgreens, bought some chips, watched some trashy tv shows and went to bed.
The next day, we enjoyed another Two Chicks Cafe breakfast and met some nice Michiganders. It was nice having the extra time with KP at both the New Orleans and Detroit airports—sharing tons of laughs and feeling slaphappy as ever! In Detroit, KP’s flight was delayed so I stayed with her until she boarded her flight to Chicago. For one last laugh, she tried helping me find my Viagra Boys concert goers from the Thursday prior, and almost got locked out of her Facebook account. The weekend couldn’t have been any better. 💛
Thinking about how I jumped out of a plane at this height!Slaphappy at the Detroit airport!
Media taken Sunday, February 26 and Monday, February 27, 2023.
February, March and April were – and will continue to be – filled with new adventures, travel experience and growth. I can officially cross two more of my 2023 wishes as complete!
I’m still discovering a passion, but I’m making significant strides in healing. I wrote what I call “burn letters” early last month—which really helped me get my feelings out and heal. I wrote letters to friends who haven’t been there for me, Juan and people who have recently hurt me when I trusted them most.
Linley has been a big part of my healing progress. We’ve gone on some familiar trails, he’s been my buddy at work and we’re planning some new adventures together!
The cooking, reading, saying “no” and “yes” at the right times, setting boundaries, creating new adventures… it’s all happening and I’m setting the foundation so it continues to happen. I’m really excited about this—and it’s needed to happen for so long now.
I took myself on a date to the Viagra Boys concert in Detroit on February 23rd!Reunited with KP in New Orleans for her birthday on February 24!Had the most uplifting reading yet!
And as far as community goes, I have the best coworkers-turned-friends in my current job. I LOVE IT HERE! There are certainly some difficult days with clients or our partners, but I never expected to “belong” as much as I currently do (I felt like I had to change to “fit in” elsewhere). Don, Giacomo, Baylen, Justin… are all becoming close friends, and Catherine and Veronica already are! KP and I even saw Don and his girlfriend Jennifer in NOLA over the weekend, where the Viagra Boys tee shirts from Thursday evening made an appearance!
Things are difficult and turbulent and hard and beautiful and hopeful and bittersweet, but I’m slowly seeing the clouds parting. I’m seeing who my truest friends are – and were this entire time – and I’m feeling like the best is yet to come. 💛
On New Years Eve, I sat with a couple girlfriends on the west side of Michigan, as we wrote down our “resolutions” (I put that word in quotation marks because I like to think of it as more ‘aspirational’ than specific, quantifiable ‘goals’). January has been an exceptionally hard month: seeing my ex-husband for the first time since our divorce and leaving Chicago, losing my dad’s best friend who we weren’t able to see prior to her passing, no longer being able to trust one of my male friends because he led me to believe he was someone he wasn’t, and my depression overall rapidly getting worse. Each month, I’m going to track my progress on each of my wishes for no one other than myself — but feel free to tag along if you wish.
Wish #1: ???
I decided to keep this one to myself for now, but plan to write more about this when the time is right.
Wish #2: Travel to South Africa, & plan other trips…
One of my best friends and her husband recently moved to Atlanta, Georgia from Johannesburg. Andy and I have worked together since the spring, and we became extremely close after all the project managers got together in person in August. Andy and Shawn are the kindest, funniest, most supportive people I could ask for in my life right now — both as individuals and as a couple. They’ve both been through difficult divorces in the past, and inspire me and give me hope that my true love exists — and that I’ll find him someday soon, without settling or compromising my beliefs or self worth. I visited them in Atlanta last weekend and I seriously needed all the laughs, time outdoors, lazy mornings watching TV and meeting more of their South African friends in the area.
Coincidentally, I’ve wanted to visit South Africa since I was about 10 years old. Andy and Shawn really want me to tag along with them the next time they return home. Whether that’s this summer or sometime in 2024, I look forward to my time with them, and to the other adventures abroad that are on the horizon for 2023.
Wish #3: Figure out my health bullshit!
As it turns out, I did indeed have a kidney infection, NOT a gallbladder or pancreas issue. Thank goodness I visited the Women’s Hospital of UofM, or else I probably would’ve had my gallbladder removed unnecessarily. If I still experience symptoms, I’ll be returning to the urologist for further testing, but for now I should be in the clear and my levels – and pain – are stable. I also made an appointment for my back problems and although my spine will never look the way I’d like it to, it was a relief to know that it “isn’t noticeable” to the average person — and now I can start planning for a new tattoo.
Wish #4: Find home in a physical place the way I have found home in myself…
I love who I am: I love how I look, I know what I deserve and I wouldn’t change anything about who I am as a person. HOWEVER, I do not feel at home here in Michigan. I left Michigan for a reason (or, several reasons…) and just because Chicago wasn’t my home either, doesn’t mean that I have to settle for less than I deserve here. Sure, some really good things have come out of me being here again, but my time here has been full of letdowns, false problems, and physical, emotional and mental pain. Maybe I’ll receive a permanent residency permit so I can live in Toronto. Maybe I’ll move somewhere closer to one of my best friends on the east coast. Maybe I’ll move to Charlotte, North Carolina because I had the best time with some of the best people this summer. Or maybe I’ll go somewhere totally new. The overwhelming possibilities are endless, but not all those who wander are lost.
Wish #5: More ink!
As previously mentioned, I’m planning my next tattoo, but am also working on finishing my foot/ankle and really want to get my dog’s paw print on my other ankle soon.
Wish #6: Find a passion – new or old.
I’m definitely getting back into music. As a kid, I was able to play three or four different instruments and found that music was a great outlet for me. Maybe I’ll get back into the piano or play something totally new — either way, I’m excited to explore this more. I also want to start swimming laps at a local gym every day, but am waiting until I relocate because figuring that out is like swimming laps in and of itself!
Wish #7: Heal from my marriage, time in Chicago, friendships ending…
It’s nearly impossible to put a timeline on this one. Progress isn’t linear with this one! Some days I feel on top of the world; others I feel like I’m drowning in my own depression, feeling like the universe is kicking me while I’m down. Seeing my ex-husband earlier in the month was necessary for my own healing, yet it was one of the saddest, heartbreaking things I’ve done. Being around someone you loved and who loved you for nearly a decade… and not being able to be with them in that capacity anymore… unless you’ve tried remaining friends with the person you thought was your soulmate is… hard to explain. It’s soul-crushing. I would give anything to go back to the good times where we both were happy — but my ex-husband doesn’t exactly feel the same way. I had to stare acceptance in the face and truly accept that things will never be as they were. Typing that even now – nearly a month later – feels daunting and depressing.
However… I am opening my heart where and when it needs to be open. I’m not only setting boundaries, but am finally adhering to them. I’m creating space for new friendships and new love, and although I’m losing hope, I haven’t fully given up yet. I wish I didn’t have to struggle this much and feel all this hurt within my heart — but I can only hope it all has to be worth it on the other side.
Wish #8: More bonding experiences with Lin!
I majorly need to step this one up. Because I live with my parents at the moment, Linley has shared the love between all three of us — making it hard to have that quality time I need with him. I hope to plan more adventures with Linley: before, during and after we relocate somewhere new. He’s the best dog in the whole world, and is my favorite adventure buddy!
Wish #9: More reading, cooking, exploring, saying “yes” and “no” when I want…
Saying “no” – even when it’s best for me – is still something I feel extremely guilty about. This is probably one of my biggest personal hurdles I need to jump leaps and bounds over this year. The good news is that I’m reading and cooking much more than I have in the past, and the exploring is still going strong! Over Martin Luther King Jr. weekend, my dad and I made homemade gluten free calzones and fish and chips. I’m excited to try even more recipes with the people I love most!
Wish #10: Finding community who loves and accepts me for me…
For the first time in my 29 years of life, I finally have this at work. I can be myself, crack my jokes, bring my personality to all of my projects, consultants and client teams, and feel valued for my contributions. I have never had community in my own family, or in my physical location. I hope to find this when I leave Michigan as well; I want to find that group who I feel deeply connected with and not for the sake of “fitting in” — but truly belonging as I am.
Although I am grieving my marriage and what I’d hoped was “home” in Chicago – and despite some of the hardship I’ve endured since being back in Michigan – there are several moments and people I am beyond grateful for.
It’s been challenging to put all of my emotions into words lately (both positive and sad), but I will say this: If you made me smile or gave me hope in these last few months, thank you from the bottom of my heart! 💛
Linley is always my best friend, but lately he hasn’t been my “little white shadow!” When we moved back in with my parents in September, I knew he’d be sharing his love between my mom, dad and me; however, I’ve missed his and my bonding time that we had so much of in Chicago.
My parents left for Florida on Monday and return today, as they always do between the holidays. Linley was back at my side 24/7, and we had quite the fun and relaxing week full of snuggles! I even took him into the office and through Starbucks for a much-needed pup cup this week, where he made a new friend Sugar.
We’re super pumped to see my parents later this afternoon, but I’ll miss this little guy right at my side.
Media taken December 27 through December 30, 2022.
I feel like Florida is an extremely polarizing state in the U.S., but if you know where to go it can be a blast! I was there last Sunday through Wednesday for an on-site client meeting—my first business trip of this sort since joining the company in May. My boss, one of my favorite peers and I had a productive – and fun – time together in the sunshine state.
I arrived Sunday, a full day before Justin and Cosmo landed (yes, I work with the coolest dude who happens to have the coolest name!) and enjoyed some relaxation in the sun. There was a music festival right next to the beach resort I stayed at in Fort Lauderdale, so as I read my book I heard some punk rock bands going at it—giving me major early 2000s energy. Feeling the sand, salt water and base beneath my feet was (oddly) just what I needed.
Later that evening I took myself to dinner—which led to a good night full of great conversation. I met Cynthia at the bar, a woman from Montreal who is also experiencing the pain of divorce, and we spent probably four or five hours talking about life, travel and overcoming our current hardships. One of my favorite travel experiences is connecting deeply with a stranger-turned-friend, and my time with Cynthia is something I’ll always cherish. We’ve actually been texting ever since we met a week ago!
The rest of my trip was filled with last-minute preparation for my client meetings, working from a hotel room when I’d rather be order gin and tonics at the pool, and making fond memories with some of my favorite coworkers. The conversations, laughs and words of encouragement shared over nightcaps and good food was the kind of relief I so desperately needed in my life. In between the meetings and visits with our client, I was luckily able to enjoy the sunrise, warm water and “me time.”
Media taken Sunday, December 4 – Wednesday, December 7
29. Divorced. Living with my parents. May not be able to afford a home. Don’t know where I want to live, or if I even want to stay in Michigan.
“If I stay in Michigan, am I settling? Am I a failure if I stay here? Am I a failure if I move away again and hate it? Did I cause my marriage to fail? Will my heart ever be whole again?”
All of these feelings are flooding my mind lately. I have been feeding “the bad wolf.”
BUT I have also been feeding “the good wolf.”
“Maybe I need to be surrounded by some of my best friends and parents in Michigan right now. Maybe if I were living by myself I would feel even more alone. Maybe I don’t have to have all the answers on where to live yet, and maybe I can travel a bit to figure that out. Or stay put. I don’t have to do a damn thing if I don’t want to!”
Although being here (‘here’ means being around certain people) reminds of me times that I’ve been hurt, I’m also finding new and old friendships pulling me out of despair and into a feeling of inclusion and, dare I say, home.
Detroit Red Wings!Facts!Dive bar in Grand Rapids!Bowling with Crystal!A salty dog!Linley the snow bunny!
Chicago probably isn’t in the cards; I gave that place and experience my everything. But if I stay in Michigan, I’m not a failure. If I move away and hate it, I’m not a failure. If I move away and love it, I’m not a failure. If I ever find love again and it doesn’t pan out the way I want it to, I’m not a failure. I’m not a failure for spending thanksgiving with another family other than my own. And I’m certainly not a failure for feeling all these conflicting emotions while I’m healing my broken heart. ❤️
Adventure in Spades 