Vulnerability around my mental health

Today I wanted to take a step back and write about the current state of my mental health.

When thinking of a title for this post, I wanted to start with “transparency” or “honesty,” but the word “vulnerability resonates more. Brené Brown, one of my favorite researchers and mental health advocates, says that being vulnerable – no matter how scary – is one of bravest things one can be.

Lately I’ve been struggling with current pain and past trauma. Not a day goes by where I don’t think about my family members, former coworkers and friends who have hurt me deeply. The blessing and curse of being an empath (or “indigo child” if you will) is feeling so deeply. Deeper than the average person can feel. I remember every word, moment, feeling… when I have been hurt in the past. For certain friendships or working relationships, time does heal all wounds; I’m not thinking about certain people as frequently as I used to. And I understand that people grow apart, but this is different—this is people who I believe have genuinely hurt me or have taken full advantage of my kindness.

All processing past pain, I’m also coping with current depression. Depression about Chicago not being what I thought it would be, my marriage not being as strong as I’d like it to be, people here letting me down no matter how hard I’ve tried, family and friends from Michigan continuing to let me down… It’s difficult for me to not feel like a failure. I feel like I’m failing in my family’s eyes, in Juan’s eyes, in certain friends’ eyes… I feel like if I leave Chicago that I would be a failure. But is it worth staying when my depression is worsening?

Last week one of my closest friends here betrayed my trust. I continue to feel like Juan and I are growing apart, not wanting the same things of the future. I feel financially trapped and scared that I’ll never live the life I want to live. I’m afraid my family will continue to misunderstand me and never fully accept me as I am.

For the first time in my life, I truly don’t know how to move forward. I know I’ve been open about my struggles with mental health on this platform, but things feel worse this time.

Living with depression feels like living with a deep sense of hopelessness, despair and constantly feeling alone or misunderstood.

But what I really want and need to feel is a clear path forward—a light in the darkness.

Photos taken Friday, May 20, 2022

12 thoughts on “Vulnerability around my mental health

  1. Cate you once offered to talk to me when I went through a rough time. It meant the world to me. My first idea I had while reading this is find someone to talk to. Lay it all out there maybe get some feedback but only if that’s what you want.
    I so appreciate your honesty and vulnerability here. I sense that is part of your healing process. I’m also an empath and have been hurt so many times. The poet Rumi said so many centuries ago that our broken is where the light comes through. It creates an open space for light to move in our lives. Perhaps your feeling so deeply will turn into beautiful healing and help others. Wishing you all the best. Continue being open. Blessings to you.

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  2. I’m new to your blog, Cate so I might not have enough perspective to even comment. But I too love Brene Brown and the spirit of true vulnerability that you have offered here. I think asking the questions – being aware of them is often the step we need to find them and the way through. I hope that is the case for you here!

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  3. I’ve recently discovered cord cutting as a way of removing the negative energy from last trauma. It’s made a massive difference in my ability to move forward and progress towards my destiny. Just hang on your destiny is just around the corner and you will know what it is soon. Xx 🤗🤗 https://youtu.be/_Hm5aldk7us link to a cord cutting ceremony I found on YouTube and really liked xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Laura, thank you so much for your guidance and your friendship over the years. ❤️ This video is incredibly powerful and it really gives me hope. Thank you so much! I’m looking forward to listening again 🤗

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  4. From one Empath to another, I can deeply feel the chaotic motions in your heart. As one who also walks with you in mental health, vulnerability can drain the very life that you’re fighting for. Thank your for sharing and know that you are brave and matter. Sending peace and light to your heart 💕🕊💕

    Liked by 1 person

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